GOOD NEWS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
FIRST LADY ADOPTS FIRST BORN OF AN ASS
(AP wire service)
First Lady, Melania Trump, announced today that thanks to Guillermo O'Joyce's novel, First Born of an Ass, her bowels are moving again.
Proctologist M.D. Vincent Obias confirmed that for the last month he has been treating the First Lady for what he termed "severe blockage of the upright colon."
Dr. Obias said this condition was due to the unusually rich diet conferred upon the gastric system by formal state dinners. Such a diet left Melania Trump's rump virtually useless because of chronic constipation.
"Partly it's the rigidity of State protocol where you have to be on your best behaviour. Mix this with stately food--lobster a la creme, leeks vinaigrette, pate de fois, and you have a classic case of rectal non-gratis. The poor lady couldn't shit," vouched the emminent proctologist.
When the usual treatment of massage and laxatives didn't work, Dr. Obias prescribed Guillermo O'Joyce's First Born of an Ass whose hero, Gorm, has a similar condition because of assumptions of power.
After reading 50 pages of First Born, the First Lady said she got the giggles. This giggling produced a jiggling in the lower intestines and lo and behold a ker-plop, ker-plunk, ker-plop. As the news of Melania's triumph reached the West Wing of the White House, there was spontaneous applause. The Trumps had been grumpy the last month.
"It's a goofy novel," she said, "but it got the old innards going." She said she was going to have a talk with her husband whom she felt had a similar condition. Dr. Obias confirmed what the White House had labeled as "fake news" that numerous foreign leaders had complained about "gas" issuing from the Trump area of the dining table. But now, thanks to First Born of an Ass, that GAS can't be blamed on the First Lady.
A signed copy of the novel will be auctioned in December at Christie's in New York City. Bidding is expected to reach the six-figure mark.